Somehow it’s been over 8 months since my last post. Oh well! If you know me, you’re not very surprised. My journal usually takes precedence, because who knows when this “internet fad” is going to die out. (juuuussst kidding.)
Well, I guess I’m about 4-5 months pregnant by now. We’re finding out next Monday if it’s going to be a boy or girl. I can’t wait to find out, it seems like reality will hit when we finally start building a little nest for this kid, and when we get to stop saying “kid” and call it by name. Or at least, call it by name if it’s a boy… we literally cannot agree on any girl’s names!
Meanwhile I’m in full on nest mode. I got all emotional and irritated on the receptionist at my midwives when I found out they forgot to schedule our gender revealing ultrasound and so we don’t get to find out till next Monday. Afterwards I felt bad, and I wondered why that even made me so upset. I think it’s just because we’re SO READY. So ready to start planning and preparing!! Anyway, by the next time I blog we’re probably going to have like a 3 year old kid, so don’t hold your breath on that. hah!
Some thoughts on pregnancy:
I know everyone’s pregnancy is different. Some girls were BORN TO BE MOMS. they relish every beautiful change in their bodies, every heaving of vomit, every weird thing that happens. They call it beautiful. They love it. They love being pregnant. I am not one of those ladies and I feel awful admitting it. Don’t misunderstand, I am beyond excited to have a baby. Don’t think I’m ungrateful for this, that I haven’t prayed and fasted and waited for this. I KNOW it’s a blessing. But… I really think pregnancy is not awesome. In fact it’s really uncomfortable. You’re tired, always. You feel sick, always (at least I have). Nothing fits right. I’ve had so many tiny little precious moms be like, “Oh, when you get pregnant just wear a little cute bella band over your old jeans! I did that the entire time I was pregnant!” Um yeah right. Let’s talk about how my thighs grew and I split two pairs of jeans in one week. ONE WEEK! TWO JEANS DOWN. And that, my friends, was in my first trimester.
So pregnancy hasn’t been horrible, but I really can’t wait for it to be over, mostly because I feel in some ways very guilty about not loving the whole process. I hope I’m not alone here. We’re really excited to have a little one around. But I’m not gonna be taking belly shots through this whole process – it’s just not me. 🙂 (I don’t think it’s wrong of anyone that DOES, either. To each their own!) It reminds me of that feeling we had right before we got married, where I realized that it seemed like everyone else was more excited for me than I felt. I wasn’t not excited to get married, I was just ready to be married and I don’t like waiting. 🙂
People are constantly asking me how I’m feeling. I guess there’s not much else to ask a pregnant lady! I guess I don’t know what else I would ask my pregnant friends. Maybe next time I encounter one I’ll ask them if they’d like an iced latte or popsicle.
When I go to coffee shops sometimes baristas say “did you want that decaf?” I’m pretty sure I did that when I was a barista too, and then I would get judgy when they said no. But really. No, I want all the caffeine in my latte. When in my life have I needed it more!?
I find myself on the defensive alot lately. It probably has a lot to do with hormones, and it also has a lot to do with lots of well-meaning people telling me what I should do, or should not do, or how I could do something better, commenting on an instagram photo that I shouldn’t be drinking coffee if I love my baby (delete!), commenting on a photo of fruit and telling me I should be eating meat… It seems like once we told people we were pregnant we opened up the floodgates of criticism and free advice. I really do value the advice I’ve received from my friends whose hearts know ours, who know we are doing what we know is best. I just wish strangers would trust me to live my life, and trust that yes, we actually have hired professional people through this process, and yes, midwives said coffee was okay, and I think they’d know what they were talking about. 🙂
Reading back through this I realize I’m sounding pretty negative and tightly wound. I was gonna edit it but this is real life folks! This is how pregnancy feels to me. There are wonderful parts to it, you have a great excuse to take naps, long showers, some extra treats here and there, and the occasional freak out moment when you realize you have a human inside of you. You have friends that are SO kind and generous and shower you with love and unexpected surprises. You have family that is just as excited as you are, putting your appointments in their calendars. You have other friends who are pregnant too that you can commiserate with and enjoy the process with. You have experienced mama friends who can tell you the differences between all the crib types (over.whelming.). And as crazy as this feels I want to remember everything about it, even the mortifying fact that I ripped two pairs of jeans in one week.
Anyway, happy fourth of July! We live in Phoenix (110 degrees today) so we’re definitely not leaving the house tonight. But I’m wearing red and white and I ate a PBJ for lunch so thank you for that freedom America!