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I’m a flawed person.

Realizing things you don’t like about yourself is hard. And I don’t mean realizing you don’t like how your nose looks, that doesn’t really matter. I mean noticing character flaws. Things I desperately need to improve on. This isn’t easy at all. I thought I might process a couple of them here just as I’d like to work towards finding contentment and living a more simple life, more simply focused on the Lord and our family.

josh-dolly-9833(this photo is unrelated but I just found this photo of Josh and Dolly from our last visit together to Springfield at Jeremy + Elsie’s house. I love it!)

So something that’s really easy to do online is to jump on the bandwagon of criticisms of others. I am very guilty of this. It’s really easy to see flaws in others – much easier than seeing our own flaws. We point fingers. Look how horrible a certain pop singer at the VMA’s has become. Let’s all talk about that – let’s all jump on that bandwagon. Let’s talk about things that annoy us about other drivers, or people that don’t have kids, or people that do have kids, or people who should be more spiritual, or people who should be acting less holy-than-thou. It’s easy to have this attitude looking at someone else and mentally saying, “THEY are doing it WRONG.” I think this mentality is a dangerous place to live and something I’m working on correcting in my own heart, because I am no better than anyone else, and having that attitude promotes the thought that I AM better than that person. I don’t have to answer for a pop singer’s actions. I don’t have to answer for other people who are lazy or hateful or distasteful or mean. I answer for myself. I am humbly reminded of this when Josh sees something I’ve tweeted and he’s like “oh, you’re jumping on the drama bandwagon.” It’s true and it’s embarrassing to me. I should be more conscious of what I choose to participate in, and what I choose to say and think about others. I can’t ignore my own faults by focusing on faults of others. We are all completely faulty individuals! But we are all equally loved and valued by God, and if I believe that, then I believe it’s not my business to raise myself above others by putting others down. I read on a blog this week that “spreading the nasty perpetrates the nasty.” That has really stuck with me. I’d like to be a more positive and loving person. If only I could try to love people as unconditionally as the Lord does.

I’m grateful for a God who is merciful and who sees the worst parts of my heart and loves me anyway.

My second admission is that I have a hard time being content with the moment. I tend to daydream about the past, or anticipate the future, but I rarely think about how great THIS moment is! Josh and I were talking recently about that movie Midnight in Paris, which is such a great movie. My takeaway was that all these people in the movie longed to be a part of a different era so badly that they failed to realize what a great moment they were in in right NOW! We are in a great moment. It’s still hot in Phoenix and we’re all tired of summer for sure. But I’m really trying to just enjoy the warmth and the time to swim, to enjoy this time we have together before Imogen gets here, to enjoy sleeping at night, and even trying to enjoy editing instead of looking forward to maternity leave when my editing is done. 😉 I want to enjoy these moments of being pregnant instead of only anticipating our daughter being here – which I still do, of course.  I want to enjoy these last few months of living in Phoenix rather than being so eager to move and daydream about decorating a new house. Which..again… I still do. 🙂 hah! At some point every winter, we long for the summer. Let’s go ahead and enjoy it while we still have it!

I’m thankful for this home, this city, this growin’ baby, and so thankful for my husband who challenges me to not buy into the drama.

(And please don’t misunderstand – this isn’t a platform where I’m telling everyone else how you should change! This is my personal journal where I’m spelling out how I’d like to change.) 🙂

Time to go enjoy my dinner.

 

 

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3 thoughts on “I’m a flawed person.

  1. This resonates so well with me. I am so blessed by honesty like this, especially when you see God’s continual work in us through His great grace and love. The last part especially, since I want to move out of the situation we are in. I so want to move to some place entirely and begin our family anew. It’s a strong desire but means nothing if it’s not His. And like you said, I have focus on the life that I am living right now. Thank you for that.
    So, where are you moving to?

  2. I too am grateful for a God who is merciful and who sees the worst parts of my heart and loves me anyway. I share some of the same sentiments with you on being content with the moment. I’ve been stuck in a not-so-favorable season for some time now and all I can think about is ‘when will this end?!’… But I am constantly reminded that the “testing of our faith produces patience”. It is so comforting to know another blogger shares so freely about her faith. God bless you and your growing family!

  3. Joanne says:

    I loved reading this. I, too, am grateful that God loves us unconditionally. I heard a little tale on the radio the other day–this woman relating how she realized that what she was really wanting more than anything else was for someone to love her unconditionally. Of course, the Lord does, but we can’t see the love in His eyes or hear the patience and tenderness in His voice, so it’s hard to truly fathom. So, we take it for granted. How sad. It did really hit me that we DO want someone to love us unconditionally. Not many of us have that. And yet, do we love others like that? I love my kids like that I believe, but they are easy to love. What if I had children who turned out to be vile people? I am so thankful for you three and blessed!

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