Imogen Quay Rhodes meets The World

Now that it’s been almost two weeks (!) since we first heard Imogen’s little gargly cries and we stopped getting any decent sleep, I wanted to record the process of her birth before my brain gets all crazy and I forget those beautiful little details. Luckily we have some photos to go along with the story – don’t worry, no blood or gross goopy stuff or anything.

Sunday, November 17th. I was 39 weeks to the day. It was a full moon. Leading up to this day I had a feeling that the full moon was gonna pull the little squirt right outta me, but as I was getting ready for bed that night at like 7pm (I was exxxxxhausted) I knew nothing was going to happen that night. I told Josh that I didn’t feel any different and so he left to go to a show.

It was almost right after he left, around 7:30pm. I had decided to watch X-Files in bed and make myself a PB&J. Clearly I had a classy night ahead of me. Just trying to keep up my enviable lifestyle! Anyway… I started feeling real contractions. It was only mildly alarming, so I decided to get up, move around, chug a ton of water, all things my midwives had suggested I do in case it’s false labor. The contractions began intensifying and I told Josh maybe to be on the alert.

11:30pm my water began to break. It wasn’t like the movies, it was not like a huge woosh or anything. Just a trickle here and there. I jumped in the shower and tried to calm down. It’s really quite an intense moment when you realize that after nine – ten months of waiting… tonight’s the night that you’re going to start trying to get this kid into the world. Intense pain is imminent. Knowing life will forever change past that point. It was a lot of things to suddenly process. Josh got home, and we began going down our lists of things for each of us to pack, running around like little chickens without heads. Pausing to give each other panicked excited smiles.

12:15am on Monday morning, we checked into the hospital. Because I was GBS+ I was admitted after they confirmed my water had broken, and started me on antibiotics. I was pretty excited about the giant jacuzzi tub… which I never got to use.

We stayed awake all through the night and the entire day of Monday. I couldn’t bear to be in the bed, so most of that time was spent walking, sitting on a birth ball, getting through contractions, drinking a lot of water, eating here and there, listening to her heartbeat on the monitors occasionally, and dealing with the pain getting much, much worse. As the pain became to intense to move or speak, I pretty much spent the rest of the day sitting on the birthing ball, leaning over the corner of the bed. Josh stayed by my side and offered back pressure when I needed it. Oh man. The lower back pain. Not easily forgotten.

*I will say a note on wardrobe: One of my midwives, Jocelyn, recommended that I wear one of those cheap miniskirts from H&M for labor – for accesibility, comfort, modesty, etc. And it was the best decision I made to follow through with that advice. It made everything that would have been difficult even with PJ shorts so much easier.

Later Monday evening they checked my dialation: 3 cm. It had been 24 hours since labor began and we were coming up on being almost 24 hours since my water had broken. I began to ask about ways to deal with the pain and so they gave me something wonderful through an IV drip so I could rest. I don’t even remember the line between being awake and being asleep, it was that instant. I was exhuasted. I couldn’t even stay awake as they were talking to me and I knew I was snoring… hah. Again they checked me and I was still not quite to 4cm. It was time to start talking about pitocin, so I could have this baby before infection set in. I opted for an epidural which I’m still praising the Lord about. My initial goal was to try a natural birth, but as I was running on empty after 30 hours of labor and only being at 3cm, the epidural was a wonderful tool to have.

Labor continued through the night. Because of the epidural both Josh and I got to rest here and there that night into Tuesday morning. I could feel contractions still, and the pressure and tightening, but it really just took the edge off, made the pain manageable, and allowed me to rest, which I desperately needed. We had a couple of scares as Imogen’s heartrate was dropping, but I’m so thankful for my midwives and nurses who never panicked or showed any sign of panic in their faces or voices. Everything felt so under control and I’m so grateful to them for that!

So, because my time lines are a little warbled from being so sleepy, I think it was shortly after 4am on Tuesday when my nurse came in to check me one more time. I heard the excitement in her voice even before she announced “Oh! 9.5!! I’m going to go get Lisa!” (my midwife on duty).

From then it felt like things moved very quickly.

The nurse began instructing me to try a “practice push” to see if I could feel how I was pushing (epidural still in effect!). Lisa came in. Josh by my side encouraging me. They kept instructing me to push. To be honest, I thought I was still practice pushing when Lisa was like, “feel her head!” I couldn’t believe this was the real thing – she was almost there. I heard the excitement in Josh’s voice. A couple of more pushes and it happened so fast – she was here. I heard little gargles and crying, Josh and Lisa had grabbed her and were lifting her up and set her on me. I think Josh and I lost it. It felt so unreal and so significant. We have a daughter.

Imogen was the teensiest little thing.

Born November 19th, 2013 at 4:53am. 6 pounds, 11 ounces. 19 inches long.

We were immediately in love.

We spent the next couple of days at the hospital and it seemed like forever. She had to fight off a little bit of jaundice before we could leave.

Her first diaper change, and her papa feeds her for the first time.

This is my favorite photo from the hospital days – Josh looks tired and so proud.

Squishiest little face. Only a day old.

When you have a baby and you have a camera it’s really hard to separate the two. I even want this squishy little cry-face burned into my brain. (She was one week old in these photos.)

And then you just give in and go full all-out cheesy mom and put a candy can in her hand while she pairs it with a sly finger-to-the-mouth. I’m pretty sure she knew what she was doing here.

Imogen and Sadie are buds already. It’s funny how huge Sadie suddenly looks comparatively.

Imogen is two weeks old tomorrow! It’s been the hardest two weeks of our lives.. and that might be a huge understatement. But we’re trying to absorb the smallness of her, the little features, the new expressions, how she studies the world when she opens her eyes, the way she looks at us, how hilarious the sound of her little sharts are, how tiny her fingers are, and the smell – oh the perfect beautiful newborn smell. And she’s ours. And how amazing and strange it is to love someone so deeply that you only just met. Especially since they don’t let you sleep like, at all. 🙂

Carving her place in our home

We’ve very slowly been gathering pieces for a nursery. Originally we had bought a crib but weren’t going to use it until after we moved, and then we weren’t going to even have a nursery, but with all our friends being so generous to shower us with gifts we had to have a place to put everything, which we hadn’t even thought about!

Plus I also hadn’t counted on nesting instincts being like BOOM. I heard about nesting being a thing, I doubted it applied to me, until one day I found myself dropping like $100 on fabric at Joanns and sewing up a whole mess of crib sheets. Well played, baby.

It feels really nice to carve out a space for this little lady in our lives as well. Here’s some peeks from our little halvsie nursery (the other half is our office which I have cleverly not photographed as part of this post).

Our beautiful mobile was made by the talented Jahje of Baby Jives! Her mobiles are dreamy. It meant so much to me when she said she watched a little Harry Potter while putting this one together! It’s full of magic, this one. ❤

Our crib is a cheapie from Ikea but I love how simple and natural it is. It was our favorite one.

The crib sheet was one I made in that one week of nesting mania. These two blankets hanging over the rail I absolutely love and both were gifts from dear friends with amazing taste!! ❤

We’ve started pulling together things here and there for the hospital bag. Picking out her going home outfit together was especially fun. 🙂 And holding these little tiny diapers is unreal. We’re still putting this thing together, so what are some things you really liked having with you in the hospital?

All the tiny things. Whenever I open this drawer I just laugh. Everything is so tiny.

Found these little leather shoes at a baby consignment place recently. Kill me dead!

And here’s a whole mess of projects I’m still working on and most likely won’t finish in time but that’s okay. 🙂

36 weeks and 1 day, folks!

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Truthfully I didn’t know we had a day for this until I woke up today and saw photos and posts circulating around. I’m glad we do. I’m glad people are talking about it more. I hope those who experience such a deep loss know they are not alone in their grief. Here’s some of experience.

A little over two years ago we lost our little one right after we announced we were pregnant. Right around 12 weeks. It’s a pain I still feel even all this time later, and with our girl due so soon, and it will never leave me for good. It hurts when people ask if this is our first kid because I never really know how to honestly answer – I usually just say “yes.” Because saying no would lead into a conversation that sometimes I don’t feel emotionally able to go into with a stranger.

I posted the section below to Facebook a month after it happened to start the process of sharing about it, hoping it would help (it did, for me. Don’t expect your friends to process their loss the same way though – everybody grieves differently). I’m thinking about deleting my Facebook soon so I wanted to make sure I never lose this, so thought I’d repost it here. This was the hardest and deepest thing we ever have had to go through. I remember at the ER, after they hand you papers with facts about miscarriage and an emotionless Dr. mumbling “It’s nothing that you did” – I went outside to the noisy parking garage and hid behind a pillar and just allowed myself to cry harder and louder than I ever have in my life. It felt like part of your life being stolen from you – a very important part.

——

June 18th, 2011

“A month ago yesterday my friend Julie sat for about 9 hours with me in the ER in Nashville, while I was traveling. It was the hardest, saddest day of my whole life.

 

Nobody really talks about miscarriage. It wasn’t until after ours that friends and relatives came comforted us with their own stories of loss, and we totally never knew. I just wonder, why doesn’t anyone talk about this? Isn’t it in times of hurt and loss and brokenheartedness that we need our friends the most? I feel so blessed to have had that myself in amazing friends, and the best family anyone could ever ask for. But I never knew what miscarriage was like, how difficult and painful and emotional a thing it is, and if I would have known, I would have wanted to pour out so much love on our friends and family members who’ve gone through this.

 

So, I guess we’re going to talk about this.

Like I said, 9 hours of ER time. May 17th, I was almost 12 weeks along at this point when I knew something was wrong and Julie took me to the ER. (Thanks Julie for being a constant friend. You are amazing and your presence that day was ordained by the Lord.) It was especially difficult to make that decision alone to go to the ER, without Josh there.

I saw our baby for the first time that day as they took the ultrasounds. I was so happy, convinced everything was fine. But then they didn’t find a heartbeat. It was really hard news to hear. I cried with all of my soul.

 

My mom was able to get off work the next day and drove to Nashville and back – ended up being 16 hours of driving for her that day! Our friends Wendy and Ott helped us get a buddy seat plane ticket and Josh flew out a few hours after we booked the flight that night. It all worked out so perfectly and what a relief it was to be with Josh again, and with my family.

 

The pain came the next day. It was hard. It was labor. I felt so many times I would pass out. I almost blacked out at one point and thought I might die at that moment. This happened 2 days in a row – the second day was much worse.. 4-5 hours each night curled up in agony. My sweet husband comforting me the whole time.

 

The next day was my birthday. Despite how sad it could have been, I got to see some of my best friends on that day – Cory, Kristy and little Owen, and Tyler and Christine. We laughed so much together and got to go to church in the park.

 

As it turned out, not everything passed and I had to have the surgery the day after my birthday. The surgery was fine. They knock you out totally which was kind of a huge relief – I wasn’t sure I could handle much more pain.

 

(And all of those details to say if I had to do this over again – I would just do the surgery without having to try and do it all naturally. Might as well, because the chances are good that surgery will be required anyway. I know a lot of people disagree with me, but I don’t care at all. I know what we went through and I’d really like to not be judged by people who haven’t gone through this.)

 

God’s timing to me through this whole situation was the hugest comfort to me. The biggest thing being that for some reason we couldn’t for the life of us book a May 21st wedding. I can’t tell you how many brides / couples we met with and emails we responded to that just simply never contacted us back. It was so strange… but obviously the Lord was working this all out before we even knew, since on May 21st I was curled up, unable to move.

 

Huge blessings were that I got to spend so much time with my family, that Josh was able to fly out and be with me so we could endure it together, and that I was able to spend so much time with close friends back home. I love you all SO MUCH. Another encouragement is even knowing that we are able to get pregnant! Which is awesome!

 

The physical healing was quick but the emotional healing still continues. Pray for us. Some days are still really hard. I think since this all happened while I was traveling, we weren’t able to process much of it at the time but it’s been really difficult lately. So thankful Josh and I have each other. I love my husband so much and I know we’re closer now having been through this than ever.”

—-
Of course we are joyful and thankful that we are expecting again! But this will never replace the occasional feeling of grief, when I think about our little one that was due December 4th of 2011, how they would have been turning two soon. How different life would be! It’s weird to think that joy and grief can exist in a person at the same time but they can, and one doesn’t cancel out the other. So think of your friends who have experienced a deep loss and give them a hug, even for no reason, let them know you never forgot about them and ask them how they’re doing. I think healing can exist without the support of good friends but it’s certainly much harder. 🙂

 

Sedona

Yesterday we decided to take a day trip to Sedona on the fly. Neither of us have been, so basically we had no idea how congested and touristy it would be, and how you have to have a rec pass to even park on the side of the road and picnic. It was a little crazy! As different of an experience as it turned out to be than what we imagined, it was still so lovely driving into Sedona. It really takes your breath away when those giant, red-striped rocks come into view. It got down to the 60’s (!!!) in the shade, and we saw signs of a coming fall in the leaves, which is something I’ve been longing for. We did get to stop once for some roadside cider (but am I the only one who thinks it’s weird when cider is served ice-cold? I wonder if that’s how people drink cider in AZ, from my two cider-purchasing experiences here. I might be wrong.). But regardless of my aversion to cold cider we were really glad to get away (I left my phone at home, what!) and see someplace new and beautiful. The photos can’t possibly do Sedona justice.

It’s hard to get over all the dirt and the rocks being so red.

So nice seeing actual signs of fall. I felt kind of nerdy taking these two photos but to me it was the first real evidence of autumn!

We turned around and headed back to Phoenix after a couple hours of driving around Sedona and taking photos. We had brought a picnic lunch to enjoy in a park somewhere, but because there were LINES of cars just waiting to get into the park (!!) we ended up scarfing down our food in a random gravel lot down the highway. Hah! Rookie mistake right? It was still nice and peaceful.

Somewhere just north of Phoenix the sun was setting so perfectly so we pulled over to take photos, because I’ve really been wanting some maternity photos with cacti. Kinda corny, but since we’re moving soon I thought it would be great to have something to have so we can show Imogen what her birthplace looked like. It’s been such a special time living here in Arizona, I never pictured myself living here but we’ve loved it.

And you can’t beat our sunsets.

These are probably my favorite of our baby-on-the-way photos so far. Josh is really getting to be such a great photographer too and he’s so patient with me when I get super bossy about how the photos should look. Hah. 🙂

And it’s true, I haven’t painted my nails in like 4 weeks but who cares. Life isn’t always magazine perfect and that’s how we like it.

I’m 32 weeks today! 8 more weeks hopefully! It’s getting more and more real. xo

 

Getting Ready

A couple of weeks ago we finally a crib (from IKEA) and got the crib put together! I should say, Josh did. 🙂 Half of the “nursery” is still an office but we can’t really help that right now. It feels strange to want to nest and prepare a nursery but not really be able to, because we’ll be moving about two months after Imogen gets here. But it’s still fun to do little things.

We don’t really have any kind of storage for her things yet, so we’re using these buckets. Hah! It may not look like it but they are in fact organized.

After Josh assembled the crib it really looked sad without a crib sheet. We went to SAS and picked out fabrics together for her sheets after finding this super easy tutorial on Dana Made It! It was hard to find sheets to register for that weren’t full of bows and hearts and cartoon characters, besides some really sweet Etsy shops. And while I like to support small businesses I couldn’t afford $50+ for one crib sheet, and I certainly felt bad asking for that even on our registry, when there are things we need more than just pretty crib sheets. More importantly, it felt really rewarding making something for her myself. I’m so glad I tried. Each one of these ended up costing me about $8.30 (2 yards of fabric at $4/yd, and about 2 yards of elastic at .15/yd)

I’ve actually only made two sheets so far. Motivation is pretty fickle these days. Started on a quilt (I’m using Rachel’s tutorial from her Baby on the Way e-course here) but have yet to finish it, because the weddings & sessions I have to edit still take priority.

And priorities. Getting anything done is hard these days. I mean I’ve been pretty exhausted and whiny about life so everything is hard, emotions are hard and I feel completely irrational most of the time. I feel like I end up apologizing a lot. I’m just so thankful this is temporary. Because it’s hard to be aware that you are crazy in your head but not be able to control it. I’ve just been trying to avoid the internet more, avoid being around people more, and I’m fine. Hah. 🙂

Off to work on more photos! ❤

 

 

I’m a flawed person.

Realizing things you don’t like about yourself is hard. And I don’t mean realizing you don’t like how your nose looks, that doesn’t really matter. I mean noticing character flaws. Things I desperately need to improve on. This isn’t easy at all. I thought I might process a couple of them here just as I’d like to work towards finding contentment and living a more simple life, more simply focused on the Lord and our family.

(this photo is unrelated but I just found this photo of Josh and Dolly from our last visit together to Springfield at Jeremy + Elsie’s house. I love it!)

So something that’s really easy to do online is to jump on the bandwagon of criticisms of others. I am very guilty of this. It’s really easy to see flaws in others – much easier than seeing our own flaws. We point fingers. Look how horrible a certain pop singer at the VMA’s has become. Let’s all talk about that – let’s all jump on that bandwagon. Let’s talk about things that annoy us about other drivers, or people that don’t have kids, or people that do have kids, or people who should be more spiritual, or people who should be acting less holy-than-thou. It’s easy to have this attitude looking at someone else and mentally saying, “THEY are doing it WRONG.” I think this mentality is a dangerous place to live and something I’m working on correcting in my own heart, because I am no better than anyone else, and having that attitude promotes the thought that I AM better than that person. I don’t have to answer for a pop singer’s actions. I don’t have to answer for other people who are lazy or hateful or distasteful or mean. I answer for myself. I am humbly reminded of this when Josh sees something I’ve tweeted and he’s like “oh, you’re jumping on the drama bandwagon.” It’s true and it’s embarrassing to me. I should be more conscious of what I choose to participate in, and what I choose to say and think about others. I can’t ignore my own faults by focusing on faults of others. We are all completely faulty individuals! But we are all equally loved and valued by God, and if I believe that, then I believe it’s not my business to raise myself above others by putting others down. I read on a blog this week that “spreading the nasty perpetrates the nasty.” That has really stuck with me. I’d like to be a more positive and loving person. If only I could try to love people as unconditionally as the Lord does.

I’m grateful for a God who is merciful and who sees the worst parts of my heart and loves me anyway.

My second admission is that I have a hard time being content with the moment. I tend to daydream about the past, or anticipate the future, but I rarely think about how great THIS moment is! Josh and I were talking recently about that movie Midnight in Paris, which is such a great movie. My takeaway was that all these people in the movie longed to be a part of a different era so badly that they failed to realize what a great moment they were in in right NOW! We are in a great moment. It’s still hot in Phoenix and we’re all tired of summer for sure. But I’m really trying to just enjoy the warmth and the time to swim, to enjoy this time we have together before Imogen gets here, to enjoy sleeping at night, and even trying to enjoy editing instead of looking forward to maternity leave when my editing is done. 😉 I want to enjoy these moments of being pregnant instead of only anticipating our daughter being here – which I still do, of course.  I want to enjoy these last few months of living in Phoenix rather than being so eager to move and daydream about decorating a new house. Which..again… I still do. 🙂 hah! At some point every winter, we long for the summer. Let’s go ahead and enjoy it while we still have it!

I’m thankful for this home, this city, this growin’ baby, and so thankful for my husband who challenges me to not buy into the drama.

(And please don’t misunderstand – this isn’t a platform where I’m telling everyone else how you should change! This is my personal journal where I’m spelling out how I’d like to change.) 🙂

Time to go enjoy my dinner.

 

 

Second Thoughts

I realize that my last post on pregnancy probably sounded like a downer to a lot of you. Sorry about that. I think there are a lot of steps involved in this whole process of learning you’re going to be a mom and preparing for motherhood, even if it was planned for! That’s probably what took me by surprise the most. I had a hard time focusing too much on what was happening to me, rather than what was happening with our kid, because I couldn’t see or feel her yet. Until, one night right before I fell asleep (at 20 weeks), I felt her flutter around.

At 21 weeks, we got to see our kid for the first time. We found out we were having a girl. She smiled right at us, right as the ultrasound tech was taking a photo. Our hearts were changed, and I couldn’t stop staring at this photo (if it’s hard to see, no worries – it’s a close-up of her little face.) The next day I flew out to Denver for an engagement session and on the plane ride there, I had this photo pulled up on my phone and I’m pretty sure I just stared at it most of the time. I don’t have words for that kind of joy.

Finding out we were having a girl was kind of a shock – we were sure it was going to be a boy. We were set on a boy’s name. We had some girl’s names in mind, but none of them felt right.

Week 22- Josh felt her move for the first time! I realized I could feel her move from the outside and I grabbed his hand and pulled it over to feel her. One of my favorite moments.

Week 23 – I think the sentimentality caught up to me and I realized I had no photos of me pregnant. We had just left Phoenix to drive to Seattle, and I made Josh pull over and take some photos. The light was pretty harsh and I’m wearing roadtrip clothes and I’m by a barbed wire fence but maybe those are all reasons why I like them.

We journeyed up to WA and back, making up for lost time with pregnancy photos (sorry, my instagram feed). Now I’m at 26 weeks (and 2 days!) and I’m wondering if the whole pregnancy will just rush by like I’m feeling it has already.

Last week we settled on a name for realsies. Here’s a little bit behind our choice:

Imogen (everyone has asked how to pronounce it so here it is: Say it like “Emma-Jen.”) got her first name because of the photographer Imogen Cunningham. I remember learning about her in school and Chuck (our professor) commenting something like, how interesting it was for her to basically have the word “image” in her name, and to become such a wonderful photographer. I’ve loved the name since. I’m not hoping she becomes a photographer by naming her this. I just simply like the name and it was such a relief to find something Josh and I both agreed on. 🙂 It’s so hard!

Quay (say it like it looks. “kway”) is a family name that goes back at LEAST to my great-great-grandmother. My great-grandmother was Ada Quay, her daughter was Lyda Quay. My aunt is Linda Quay. My cousin Lauren also used the name for her daughter, Helen Quay! We both love the idea of using a family name with deep roots. It’s so special to us. There might even be more Quays in there but I can’t say for sure. 🙂

Here are some snapshots I took today to remember this season.

I’ve never had a skincare regimen until now. I know, I’m 30. Basically I splashed water on my face every day and maybe a little coconut oil during the winter. But you may have heard from your pregnant friends that these nine months really do a number on your face, so I asked my MUA friend Sara for advice because she’s the best. This stuff I got at target and it smells lovely, and it’s mostly organic. It does feel like kind of a treat taking care of my skin every morning and night, rather than a chore.

Super typical. What can I say, my creative juices are at an all-time low! But it’s kind of weird seeing your toes eclipsed by your growing self.

Our friend Rebecca Green did the most beautiful portrait of our family for our 4th Anniversary. I cried when I opened it. It’s the most special thing we both own. We immediately gave it a home on the wall and I love getting to see it always. She’s so amazingly talented, you guys! We’ve chosen to keep this one thing private for ourselves, but it’s the hardest thing ever for me to not share her talent with everyone. So Josh said I could post this photo, this little peek at it. Becca, we love it SO MUCH! You’re just incredible! Everyone, please go look at her work!

Me + Imogen today at 26 weeks. Black and white is so much more forgiving of the energy I clearly don’t have to pick up clothes, trash, or half-packed moving boxes.

And a pregnancy apparel note: those scrunchy-side tops used to be so appalling to me, but they’re my best friend now. They’re so much more flattering than just buying oversized, loose-fitting tent tops.

Anyway, that was a lot, but I needed to update this thing. Thanks for reading along. 🙂

Somehow!?

Somehow it’s been over 8 months since my last post. Oh well! If you know me, you’re not very surprised. My journal usually takes precedence, because who knows when this “internet fad” is going to die out. (juuuussst kidding.)

Well, I guess I’m about 4-5 months pregnant by now. We’re finding out next Monday if it’s going to be a boy or girl. I can’t wait to find out, it seems like reality will hit when we finally start building a little nest for this kid, and when we get to stop saying “kid” and call it by name. Or at least, call it by name if it’s a boy… we literally cannot agree on any girl’s names!

Meanwhile I’m in full on nest mode. I got all emotional and irritated on the receptionist at my midwives when I found out they forgot to schedule our gender revealing ultrasound and so we don’t get to find out till next Monday. Afterwards I felt bad, and I wondered why that even made me so upset. I think it’s just because we’re SO READY. So ready to start planning and preparing!! Anyway, by the next time I blog we’re probably going to have like a 3 year old kid, so don’t hold your breath on that. hah!

Some thoughts on pregnancy:

I know everyone’s pregnancy is different. Some girls were BORN TO BE MOMS. they relish every beautiful change in their bodies, every heaving of vomit, every weird thing that happens. They call it beautiful. They love it. They love being pregnant. I am not one of those ladies and I feel awful admitting it. Don’t misunderstand, I am beyond excited to have a baby. Don’t think I’m ungrateful for this, that I haven’t prayed and fasted and waited for this. I KNOW it’s a blessing. But… I really think pregnancy is not awesome. In fact it’s really uncomfortable. You’re tired, always. You feel sick, always (at least I have). Nothing fits right. I’ve had so many tiny little precious moms be like, “Oh, when you get pregnant just wear a little cute bella band over your old jeans! I did that the entire time I was pregnant!” Um yeah right. Let’s talk about how my thighs grew and I split two pairs of jeans in one week. ONE WEEK! TWO JEANS DOWN. And that, my friends, was in my first trimester.

So pregnancy hasn’t been horrible, but I really can’t wait for it to be over, mostly because I feel in some ways very guilty about not loving the whole process. I hope I’m not alone here. We’re really excited to have a little one around. But I’m not gonna be taking belly shots through this whole process – it’s just not me. 🙂 (I don’t think it’s wrong of anyone that DOES, either. To each their own!) It reminds me of that feeling we had right before we got married, where I realized that it seemed like everyone else was more excited for me than I felt. I wasn’t not excited to get married, I was just ready to be married and I don’t like waiting. 🙂

People are constantly asking me how I’m feeling. I guess there’s not much else to ask a pregnant lady! I guess I don’t know what else I would ask my pregnant friends. Maybe next time I encounter one I’ll ask them if they’d like an iced latte or popsicle.

When I go to coffee shops sometimes baristas say “did you want that decaf?” I’m pretty sure I did that when I was a barista too, and then I would get judgy when they said no. But really. No, I want all the caffeine in my latte. When in my life have I needed it more!?

I find myself on the defensive alot lately. It probably has a lot to do with hormones, and it also has a lot to do with lots of well-meaning people telling me what I should do, or should not do, or how I could do something better, commenting on an instagram photo that I shouldn’t be drinking coffee if I love my baby (delete!), commenting on a photo of fruit and telling me I should be eating meat… It seems like once we told people we were pregnant we opened up the floodgates of criticism and free advice. I really do value the advice I’ve received from my friends whose hearts know ours, who know we are doing what we know is best. I just wish strangers would trust me to live my life, and trust that yes, we actually have hired professional people through this process, and yes, midwives said coffee was okay, and I think they’d know what they were talking about. 🙂

Reading back through this I realize I’m sounding pretty negative and tightly wound. I was gonna edit it but this is real life folks! This is how pregnancy feels to me. There are wonderful parts to it, you have a great excuse to take naps, long showers, some extra treats here and there, and the occasional freak out moment when you realize you have a human inside of you. You have friends that are SO kind and generous and shower you with love and unexpected surprises. You have family that is just as excited as you are, putting your appointments in their calendars. You have other friends who are pregnant too that you can commiserate with and enjoy the process with. You have experienced mama friends who can tell you the differences between all the crib types (over.whelming.). And as crazy as this feels I want to remember everything about it, even the mortifying fact that I ripped two pairs of jeans in one week.

Anyway, happy fourth of July! We live in Phoenix (110 degrees today) so we’re definitely not leaving the house tonight. But I’m wearing red and white and I ate a PBJ for lunch so thank you for that freedom America!

 

 

I might have missed something, there…

I’m trying to wrap up our personal photos from our trip in between editing photos for our clients, (because if it doesn’t get done now… let’s just be honest, it’ll NEVER get done! Anyone relate?) and I’m pretty sure I missed a bunch, but I’ll come back to it.

This first set was just a few photos I took on our drive from Lake Tahoe to Los Angeles. At one point we pulled over to switch drivers and we realized that we were stopped at the exact place we had stopped at before on the same stretch of road, about two years ago. Kind of crazy! There was this weird yellow building, and when Josh peeked inside, he saw it was full of hidden camera monitors, so we got a little freaked out and left soon after.

This next little set was taken on our very last leg, on the very last drive from Los Angeles back to Phoenix. While we were driving through the desert, desperately hoping each new exit would offer a restroom, we found this exit that seemed to have a bunch of buildings boasting “Cafe” and “Gas” but to our totally creeped-out-ness, we found this whole small town to be completely deserted.

Josh had noticed a little abandoned group of houses nearby so we drove over there to scope it out.
Initially we were pretty excited because, who gets to explore totally abandoned houses, ever? And a whole bunch at once! It was thrilling. And as we walked around, poking around in these homes, seeing children’s shoes eaten away by rodents, broken plates, old TV’s smashed in, we became increasingly more alarmed at what had happened there. If you think about it, it’s pretty odd for this whole group of homes to have been abandoned around the same time – families just leaving all of their stuff and running away. As we walked around the neighborhood, the desert around us was so quiet, mildly breezy, but just very quiet. The excitement grew to concern for both of us around the same time. Josh sliced his arm open on a piece of glass and once we saw the blood dripping off his arm into the dust, we both got out of there as quickly as we could after snapping a few last photos. Yeesh!

(BLOOD!)

We did find this sweet lamp though, as well as some untouched small, floral plates. 🙂

There’s our last leg of the trip! I might have to back track a little in the future with my updates from Texas, etc. So forgive me for being a little disorganized with our personal photos! 🙂 Hope everyone’s Halloween is spooky, scary. Much like a Werewolf Bar Mitzvah.

 

**EDIT** If you’re as curious about the mostly abandoned town of Desert Center, CA as I was, here’s a little video of someone driving around in their car and zooming in into the windows / doors (nice touch, not getting out of your car). The houses we explored start at about 1:30. Here is the link: http://youtu.be/zuggRJPKdJY

 

home again

feels so good to be home again. the air is cooler, people are outside more, it just feels good. I realize this isn’t the most eloquent thing I’ve ever penned, but I’m just really happy to be back in our own space, greeting ready for the coming seasons. just a few phone photos. 🙂